Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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