Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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