Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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