My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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