Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
