Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
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I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
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My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.