All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Two words: nipple clamps
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