Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
