Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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