I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.