Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Reggie can tackle my bush.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
25 Porn Addicts Admit Their Biggest Pet Peeves
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today