dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Houston, we have a squirter
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?