Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
