Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
