He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
