You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
