I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
