If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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