where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
