I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
