Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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