i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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