o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
