There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
