Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I have fence marks all over my body
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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