when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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