alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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