nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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