Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?