I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
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I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
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I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.