so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.