Pants 0. Shit 1.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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