eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
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She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
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My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
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