just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
