Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
