At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
