i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize