I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
