Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
True college students do jello shots in the library
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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