She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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