He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
