hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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