My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
tell me about the eggs
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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