My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
