There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
