I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
