in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
40s are totally the cure
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
