yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
