based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
