The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
