Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
