and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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