My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
