If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Oh god it's open bar.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
