Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
