You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
